Author: DawnMDix

The ego is a dangerous thing.  It’s that part of our mind we listen to about 95% of the time.  It makes most of our decisions, and it loves that we create ‘noise’ in our lives…distractions such as TV, radio, social media…anything to disconnect us from our heart, because that’s where the real magic lies.

If you take five minutes out of your day to just close your eyes & drown out the ‘noise’ of internal & external dialogue…you’ll connect with your heart.

It doesn’t mean you have to meditate, if that’s not your thing – just sit quietly and take a few breaths.  The noise will fade, and peace will emerge.  Gently ask yourself what you want…the ego will tell you all you should be, do, or have…you should be richer, you should stay in this job you hate…you should do what everyone else thinks you should.  Give the ego the boot!

Take the reins for a few minutes and really check in.  Is there something you’ve always wanted to do?  But you didn’t do it because of some self-sabotaging thought from your ego?

The heart will open up space for you to re-think…’hey it would feel nice if I got that new dress’ or ‘how great would it be to make new memories by visiting that distant land I’ve always wanted to see?”   Open up your world by opening up your heart

So I’m hooked on the ID channel (and now Oxygen, which is trying to be the next ID).  What does this say about me? Lol

Sure, I love mysteries and trying to figure out whodunit, but I fill our DVR with a steady stream of it.  Any new shows (and there’s no shortage of them) get added to the existing lineup.  Is this a reflection something deep down inside me for a need for justice of some kind?  Perhaps.  Is it a way to pass time?  Sure.   Is it well spent?  Probably not.

I’m an insomniac, so I spend at least one weeknight being ‘Sleepless in New Jersey.’  These shows let me pass the time mindlessly, but maybe I need to spend this alone time as ‘me’ time and nourish myself.

Either write (if I’m not blocked!)…read (wait, I barely truly read anymore, it’s all audiobooks all the time)… surf the net…or actually do some soul searching and check in on myself.  Are things running smoothly in my world?  Am I trying to distract myself from what’s really going on?

Time to take a hard look…crack open that heavy door to my emotions…maybe let one out?  Yikes!  That’s too scary…bolt the door so nothing escapes!  Instead, watch the ID show where someone else is running from a crazed killer while you run from your own fears.

But there’s always that window, left unlocked, where the monster creeps in…and you’re left to face it alone.  Look it in the eye…stare it down…even though your limbs are quivering and you bite your lip to avoid showing dread.  It senses your weakness…your eyes dart left and right, looking for an ‘out.’

You could run to the left and crash through a window, with a 3-story dive to the pavement…you could run to the right and fall down 3 flights of stairs…or…..you could roll your shoulders back, stand tall in your own strength, and find the nerve to confront it.

The minute you do, you will notice a slight change at first…the monster’s head will tilt…it’s sizing you up…you’ve confused it because you’re still standing there.   It scratches its head in an attempt to figure out why you haven’t yet fled.  Its size grows smaller, no longer as looming a figure.  This gives you courage, so you take a step forward.  It shrinks back in bewilderment.

You now realize you neglected to lock away all the emotions…Truth remained by your side and now holds your hand.  You’re standing as one, and the monster begins to fade like a pile of ashes blowing in the wind.  They pick up speed and slide back down the bottom of the door you fastened so tightly.  Calm now enters and smiles at you.

And you notice a window, not there before, where the world looks bright and all is now safe.  You faced your fear…now it’s time to open the window and step into the light…..

It’s time to give serious props to my husband.  He’d say he’s not perfect, but he’s perfect for me.  I may not be rich, but I hit the lottery when I found him.  He was a safe place to land in my world of chaos.  And this is the most important part…he gives me what I never got growing up…unconditional love.

I was lucky enough to have a dog growing up, and she gave me unconditional love, but that will be a separate post.  This is about the man who came into my life and rescued me.  I can be my worst or best self with him, because he allows me to be.

I’m moody, selfish, introverted…basically everything he’s not!  I marvel at how he’s able to be blunt and tell people how it is, yet still be likeable!  I spent my life worrying about what people would think of me, how they judge me, am I too fat?

Of course, age has mellowed me a bit…which may be what happens as we grow older.  We care less about what people think and more about how we want the rest of our life to be.  We cut the fat from our lives & concentrate more on the filet mignon…those worthy of our friendship, trust, and love.

Consider this…would you rather wallow around in the neck-deep quicksand of trying to impress those that would push you down even further?  Or focus on those holding their hand out to pull you up?

 

I saw myself the other day on my commute home from work.  The driver in front of me seemed very impatient, riding the bumper of the car ahead of him.  When space allowed, he gunned it, passing on a double line.  Deja vu! 

That was me…it used to be me.  It made me stop & think – I’ve improved my life by becoming a more patient driver (most of the time).  I’m no longer in a hurry to get home…instead enjoying the fact that I’m heading toward home – my sanctuary.

Life’s too important to waste driving recklessly in order to arrive home two minutes sooner.

I think it’s a combination of age and self-reflection.  Saturating myself with motivational audiobooks every day can certainly make a dent in your psyche…if you allow it.  And why wouldn’t you, after all?  Trade anxiety for some peace of mind.  I call that progress.

Yup, I’m a couch potato.  I’m a homebody.  And guess what?  That’s the way I like it!  My home is my sanctuary.   I don’t apologize for that.  I can sit & enjoy the company of my husband or go in another room and contemplate or write. 

We don’t have to be doing something…we can just BE.    How’s that for a concept?  Does it seem foreign to you?  Does it make you feel guilty?  Who’s making you feel guilty?  The answer is…you.   Nobody can make you feel anything unless it’s something you already feel yourself.

So lay on the couch!  Or the recliner…put your feet up…and grab that bag of chips…I’m waiting for you

OK maybe I’m not an artist…though writing is a form of art, isn’t it?  And yes, I’m struggling!  But it’s a good struggle…an acceptable struggle.  We all have issues to work through, and I’m no exception.  Not many people  know this, but the infamous Leonardo DaVinci was a great starter, but not a good finisher…much like me.  In fact, he never really finished his notorious Mona Lisa painting.

Now you might wonder why I’m comparing myself to such a genius…because I’m an awesome starter!  I can get something in my head and, with laser beam focus, throw myself into the project…be it writing or teaching myself Spanish…and yet…

I never fully finish.

I wrote a mystery novel about 5 years ago, pouring my heart & soul into it.  Sent it off to an editor, and $1500 later, I got it back…did I attempt to implement any of the changes?  Nope…I gave up, because it was just too much work.

So here I am, suddenly hit with a new wave of inspiration to write…mainly sparked by the fact that I want to improve myself.  I’ve been on a quest to discover myself, and by peeling back each layer, I’m finding out more…realizing that the writer is still here, insisting on making her comeback!

Perhaps you are struggling with something as well…my advice is this…we’re in the best environment to share our trials & tribulations because we all have the capacity to reach out there on any form of social media and find a network of support.  We no longer have to live in the shadows…take a step forward…and feel that first ray of sun hit your face…there are others just waiting to take your hand and stand beside you…put on your shades and join us

What contract clause did I miss?  I was under the impression that menopause ‘could’ last up to 10 years…which is bad enough, believe me.  As my mother did, I also started young, around 43 years old…so I technically have one year left on this 10-year clause.

Oh, but wait…now I’m told this could LAST FOREVER.  Say what?  Sorry, what was that?!  It took a good two years just to regulate my body to a ‘somewhat acceptable’ temperature, through the tweaking of different medications…and yet….I’m still living in puddles of sweat day in and day out…

So who do I see about changing this clause?  I must have signed it under duress. Surely no sane person would sign such a document…sure it’s great that I don’t have menstrual cycles every month anymore…but was that the tradeoff?  If so, I’ll gladly go back to that…’No’ you say?

Hmmm…is there any other thing I can trade?  Let me speak to the manager.  Crickets.  Oh, so there’s no manager.  OK.  Perhaps a new trainee who doesn’t yet know all the rules and they can sneak my name on a list to make all this disappear?   More crickets.

Maybe the crickets are the managers and I just don’t speak their language?  Any crickets out there that can find me a loophole?  I must google this…I’ll get back to you…

 

 

 

 

 

 

A ‘See’ Change is Coming….How do you see yourself? I’m a work in progress..one that takes years to hone…we all are..but I see a change on the horizon. A big change.

So big that I’ve suddenly felt the need (and desire) to write again after a 4-year hiatus. So big that I feel positivity inside me and around me. I’ve been enveloped by a puffy, soft cloud, as I float high above my struggling self – the sad self, the directionless self…

It gently drops me on a deserted island surrounded by tranquil teal water and a lone palm tree. My toes sink along in the velvety sand, and I encounter another person sitting under the tree – huge hat & sunglasses – she looks familiar – she’s sipping a tropical drink from a frosty glass. She lifts her head, slides the glasses down her nose, and smiles at me, “What took you so long?”