Dawn's Doorway…

Yup, I’m a hermit – a homebody by nature.  I flourished during the pandemic, being able to work from home.  Some of us thrived while others wilted.  It all depends on your personality, I’m sure.  More outgoing folks probably had a hard time being cooped up, while those of us who are more insular & introspective adjusted quite well.  My real adjustment is returning back to the office.

It was nice not having distractions…I don’t have kids or dogs right now, so it allowed me to have ‘quiet time’ at home.  My husband continued to go into the office, as was his preference, so it worked out well!  It certainly saved on gas, since I no longer had a commute, plus the wear & tear on my car.

Now, as I get back to the daily grind, I’m finding it hard to re-adjust again.  The same old drudgery brings me down at times.  It’s nice to get back into the world again, but my preference is clear…I could remain a shut-in and still be productive.  How about YOU?

You know the saying ‘go with your strengths,’ right?  One of mine is ranting.  Yes, I can go on a tear & complain with the best of them.  I’ve tried to do the serenity thing –zen & meditation, and it worked for a while, but it wasn’t my nature.  Ultimately, I reverted back.

Don’t ask me why I’m mad 99% of the time – I can get pissed off if I drop a pencil.  Thank goodness my husband is quite well-balanced and tolerates my outbursts – sometimes with an eye roll – other times with an admonition to pipe down.

I’m a passionate person – perhaps the fiery half Italian in me.  I feel & experience things deeply.  Then you have my brother, who is the total opposite.  He measures his words & his emotions – perhaps the OTHER half – stiff upper lip of the Brits. 

It’s easier to just be yourself – those who don’t like it will move on.  Those that remain are worth getting to know a bit better…thanks to those who have stuck by me.

OK peeps…we are all one human race, so why can’t we join forces & beat back all of this division?  Humanity is at stake…no joke.  Not so long ago, we were all on the same trajectory-the ENTIRE WORLD joined us in hunkering down in our homes for the common good…hailed our frontline workers for putting up the good fight & keeping our hospitals, streets,grocery stores (and Amazon) humming.

So what happened?

In the blink of an eye, everything changed & turned on a dime…8 minutes of witnessing a murder.  Hands down, no arguments, all in agreement, all appalled!

Then the looting & riots began…before we knew it, we were sent into a tailspin like a bunch of socks tumbling through a dryer…Republicans vs Democrats, black vs white, friend vs foe…we’re still all humans who bear our different struggles and have the same fundamental desire…to feel safe to pursue our dreams & continue our lives.

It’s a complex, near herculean task…but we must confront it at its core…sit down and TALK to each other…not shout over each other…there’s a commonality somewhere, and we must find it before the damage is irrevocable.

Recently, I came across several people who were strangers to me – just names on Twitter.  At first, we didn’t agree – but they were kind enough not to hurl insults but actually took the time to ‘discuss’ … a rare occurrence these days… and at the bottom of our differences, we were able to discover that it was actually possible to have a reasoned discussion.

The next time you want to send an angry tweet or message on Facebook (or any of the other zillion forms of social media these days), perhaps try to reach out and find some common ground.

It’s a start…..

 

I have a thirst for self-improvement.  I also have a healthy love for audiobooks.  In this manner, it allows me to follow many great teachers – Cheryl Richardson, Dr Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, etc.  Any tidbits I can soak up and retain in my daily life will serve me for the better.  We can always enrich & improve our lives…taking things from here and there, that we can apply to ourselves.

Liken it to walking through a beautiful garden, overflowing with flowers of all kinds.  We approach those that catch our eye, or capture an appealing sense of smell, and put each into a basket. 

After a while, we’ve got a bouquet.  If we’re not improving the quality of our lives by watering these flowers, we go dormant and stagnant.  Our petals wilt, and that once gorgeous bouquet becomes bare and lifeless, drained of its vibrant colors.

I find that every time I stray from my path for betterment, I’m stuck in a muddle of quicksand.  It saps my positivity and brighter outlook on life.  It’s very easy to wander off the path…much like that squirrel who continues to venture out when it thinks better things are elsewhere, instead of being mindful and grateful for what it already has in front of him – that bounty of nuts.

We can easily get mired down by that sludge in the quicksand, when we feel complacent and slip back into old patterns.  I’ve done it countless times. We’re all creatures of habit…but we’re also just as capable of forming new ones.  Yes, it takes practice, persistence, and a conscious effort to keep the motivation going.

Continue reading “Thirst…….”

Not giving as much of a fig what anyone else thinks.  Have you noticed that the older you get, the LESS you care about trivial things that would have mortified you in your youth?  Like someone opening the restroom stall on me, worrying how I’m going to look in that dress……eh I have no shame anymore…no need to conform to the popular crowd…no need to impress anyone…when I walk through the lobby of my office building & pass others, it’s a pleasant smile & maybe a ‘hello.’  No averting their eye out of shyness or sucking in my stomach to look more appealing…

It’s really too bad that we come to such conclusions later in life, rather than in our teens when it would come in handy.  I’m making up for time lost worrying about what everyone thinks…now that I’m approaching the scary age of … dare I say it … 54 … yikes!  I’m doing what I want to do, even if that’s nothing but sitting on my couch & binge watching my favorite show…it makes me happy & content and lets me decompress over a weekend after toiling away at work all week…

If we were magically able to talk to our younger selves now, we’d no doubt tell them to ‘feel free to be yourself,’  ‘stop trying to fit in, because the very things that set you apart from your classmates will be the same things that propel you ahead in life.’

It’s taking me a long time to ‘find myself,’ and it’s still a journey in progress…but I’ve come a long way from that insecure girl who walked with her head & eyes downcast, so painfully shy…now I will gladly chat with a cashier or smile at a fellow shopper…it opens my world a little bit more…if we come out of our tortoise shells, stick our neck out just a bit, we’ll see how much more is out there to explore and enjoy.

So yes… ‘with age comes wisdom.’  There’s a visceral truth in that statement…so much packed into a few tiny words, but oh so powerful.   As we age, we do grow wiser, and that’s not a bad thing, and it’s not a bad tradeoff in the end.

Have you ever looked at yourself from the side?  I avoid mirrors altogether, but that’s just me…rather than an hourglass, I’ve developed a really good rubix cube – ya know – boxy & square!

Gone are the days when my stomach was flat (age 10 maybe?) and my boobs were much bigger than my waist…now they’re just one mass of flesh.

I like to eat!  Sorry world – it’s the price I pay for enjoying a pound of pasta in one sitting  (hey I’m half Italian and make a mean homemade pasta sauce that my husband loves).   And I’m lazy…so there’s THAT!

I lost my dad this year, and he was active & healthy…until he got cancer…but he beat it…until he couldn’t…he never regained much-needed weight after his chemo & radiation, which played a part in his eventual death.   Another person, dear to my heart, also died this year, and he was active…so part of me feels that it doesn’t matter how you live (or eat) & why not enjoy life while you can?  Another part knows that I should at least get to a point where I can walk a flight of stairs without requiring the paramedics to come and bring me oxygen (joking…but you get the picture)……

There’s a happy medium waiting for me somewhere in the middle….just don’t meet me with a mirror

 

I’m a GREAT starter!  Finisher?  Not so much.  Is anyone else afflicted with this?  I can be gung-ho on something – put my energy & focus into it wholeheartedly – but if something else comes along to intrigue me, I’m off and running like a manic squirrel gathering nuts.

For example, I decided to work on my novel.  I’ve always been a writer by nature, so I put all my effort into finishing a book, even paying an editor $1200 to work on it with me.  When the changes proved too difficult, I decided to teach myself Spanish.  I absolutely loved it!  Night & day, I was studying, and it got to where I could understand it, write it, and speak it.

Then, my husband innocently told me about this word game he stumbled upon…well, that became a new obsession.  I found myself feverishly playing tournaments every weekend with the sole purpose of winning each one by a landslide.

You see, I have what they call an ‘addictive personality.’  I think I inherited this from my father.  He was an alcoholic.  But, the thing is, my dad had willpower.  He stopped drinking, and he later stopped smoking.  I didn’t inherit THAT part of the gene…there is no willpower in this girl!

The only hope I have of stopping my current ‘addiction’ is when I find some other obsession to replace it…so I’m like a frog – hopping from one lily pad to the next.  Suggestions?